Never go back....................

Never go back has always been my advice, so WTF do I think I'm playing at getting back with my husband after 7 years apart?

At first I thought this was what I needed, I enjoyed his company, we have 2 kids, it wasnt all bad.....but reality is a wee bit different - 7 years down the line I have changed -

• I dont suffer fools gladly anymore - have no tolerance for those I dont like and refuse to pretend I do. Many of his acquaintences fit into that category!
• I dont see the need to drink myself into oblivion - every weekend to him involves at least one night where he drinks into a stupor
• My kids at 21 and 16 are my reason for being - his friends and social life are his
• I feel uncomfortable at vulgar displays of wealth - he revels in over indulgence

Its not I dont want to be in a relationship, its just I'm not into this having to consider another adult or to revert to the societal "norms" of male/female.....I couldnt care less about going out and all this "having to" participate because its expected of me makes me buck against the trend....

I couldnt care less that he spoke to his ex more in the last week than he did to me...because I didnt run down to see him every two mins, text constantly or whatever....I dont do jealously and I dont enter into competitions.....

I have a life outwith him, my kids, work and my quiet time are important to me....having to fit him in makes it difficult to maintain this...my physical health these days leaves me ready for my bed at 9pm every night, cant be dealing with the huffs

He is fed up having to come here to see me...why dont I go see him...............my house is falling to pieces and ?I have no money to do it up and no energy to fix up my garden, but its a home, it's lived in and the kids feel settled here...his house is a shell where he sleeps, it is cold, expensive and it makes me feel empty...my daughters room there is like a cell and she hates being there....he wont do her room up because we wont go down, catch 22.....but how do I tell him?

His friends ( apart from the ones I can count on one hand that I like) are wary of me, they dont like me and you know what I dont even care! Last week at an event I had to go to, I was told "how good he was" "he was amazing and the best guy ever"...spent the whole night feeling like I was being warned...OK so it was my decision to leave him 7 years ago, but he wasnt blameless in the whole scenario and fed up being painted the bitch for always!

My kids are the main focus in my life - they come first now and forever...they are his kids too...but he has never given them same priority......I cannot agree to some of the things he wants, I need to consider them and that he wont do that leaves me puzzled......I want my kids to have happy memories of me and of me being there for them, not of being a pain who got in the way of their parents lives.....I want my kids a part of my life for as long as possible to build those memories and happiness........

So what do I do............................................

Well is it a bad start I spent half an hour on Google working out how to do this before I even started writing? Now I dont know what I should write and indeed why I should write, after all will anyone ever read it...and if they do will they even care...?

Aged 47 with a failed marriage and 2 brilliant (and probably as mad as me) kids and I still feel like I'm looking for an aim in life! But you know what it is slowly falling into place...the only problem being is what my aim is isnt really going to please anyone else! Dont know who to talk to about it, so I guess the wilderness of the world wide web will do!

Best start somewhere and where best but right in the middle, after all who knows where the beginning was and even what the end might be!

The last couple of years have hit me smack between the eyes and has kind of scared the shit out of me
 Fell victim to an extended period of depression when I finally sussed there was too much out there that was beyond my control....being a control freak aint much good when you can't control what you need to keep you on the level!

Growing number of my friends and peers have been diagnosed and passed away with that fecking CANCER...and I know that I'm no longer invincible...and you know it aint dying that scares me, its leaving my kids behind
Got back with my husband after 7 years apart...and now dont even know if it's what I want...but if I bow out then so many people are going to be so distressed

So starting where then?

Hey you got back with your man, fantastic, so happy for you, it's meant to be, wow........but is it any of these things, first time in my life I have ever went "back" I NEVER go back so why did I do it now?