"Thoughts are not reality" is my new mantra...I learnt that today. I am proud of learning that today. Thoughts are like scenarios that occur in your head and instead of acknowledging them and letting them have their place we (or I) have a tendency to feed them til they grow and grow and the emotions that they produce (often negative) take over the rest of your day, your week, month or even your life..this then impacts on your body and what happens then is we (I) have full catastrophic living.
We (I) (You will notice I keep doing this - I must learn to take ownership of my feelings and my actions) need to give ourselves permission to accept our thoughts, to welcome them in and acknowledge they exist and that they are there, feel the emotion they produce and then let them go merrily on their way..do not feed the thoughts for you will only intensify the emotion and you will only cause yourself more pain and anxiety. This is not about burying those thoughts and emotions - for then you will store them up and one day they will burst out of you and God only knows where you will end up"! It's about giving them a time, a place and an acknwledgement and then lettting them go - only then can you start to deal with reality - the here and now.
An awareness of my being, my breath and my body is what I am learning now. I am proud that I am learning this. I feel that I am learning slowly to be able to connect with what is happening around and within me and learning to deal with the hear and now - not the past, not what might happen but what is happening now. We only have this one breath in this one moment - not our last and not our next...it is this one and we mustnt lose focus on that.
Wednesday 29 October 2014
Friday 10 October 2014
So much for regular blogging!
Promise I will return. Sitting in the dentist waiting on my daughter listening to Amy Winehouse.
So what has life had going for it over last few months....
Well guess what I am still skint...
I still have my 2 crazy kids with me and I still love them beyond belief
Went to visit my cousin in London and discovered Camden Town...felt I found somewhere close to me!
Spent the day in Brighton..first time I had ever been...wow what a vibrant crazy place to be. I want to go back and take my daughter with me!
Still single..still wondering if I will ever be in a relationship and still wondering if I actually care lol!
Volunteered at Bloody Scotland last month..heaven...a weekend full of crime and authors..what more could I ask for!
Sadly Scotland didnt get independence but my country has woken up and roared..Westminster better believe our dream is not over nor will it ever die! So good to see so many engaging in politics at so many levels...I love the passion of the people of my country.
Right time to go...drop daughter at work then head off to mine! Next blog will be better!
Promise I will return. Sitting in the dentist waiting on my daughter listening to Amy Winehouse.
So what has life had going for it over last few months....
Well guess what I am still skint...
I still have my 2 crazy kids with me and I still love them beyond belief
Went to visit my cousin in London and discovered Camden Town...felt I found somewhere close to me!
Spent the day in Brighton..first time I had ever been...wow what a vibrant crazy place to be. I want to go back and take my daughter with me!
Still single..still wondering if I will ever be in a relationship and still wondering if I actually care lol!
Volunteered at Bloody Scotland last month..heaven...a weekend full of crime and authors..what more could I ask for!
Sadly Scotland didnt get independence but my country has woken up and roared..Westminster better believe our dream is not over nor will it ever die! So good to see so many engaging in politics at so many levels...I love the passion of the people of my country.
Right time to go...drop daughter at work then head off to mine! Next blog will be better!
Monday 3 February 2014
moving forward
Well I went back and clearly I didn't like it - so here I am on my own again - do I care - am I sad - not one little bit!
Still skint, still living in the house that Jack built but you know what I'm happy in my own skin so be it!
Determined to blog on a regular basis
Want to blog with some likeminded folk - so what is like minded:
Are you obsessed with crime writing/authors?
Do you get a buzz out of tweeting/facebooking with authors?
Are you in love with/do you understand Dexter - no he is not just a cop who is a serial killer!?
Are you intolerant, grumpy, cynical, questioning but fiercely loyal and caring to those who deserve it?
Are you non judgemental?
What's important to you?
maybe just maybe we will get along!
Still skint, still living in the house that Jack built but you know what I'm happy in my own skin so be it!
Determined to blog on a regular basis
Want to blog with some likeminded folk - so what is like minded:
Are you obsessed with crime writing/authors?
Do you get a buzz out of tweeting/facebooking with authors?
Are you in love with/do you understand Dexter - no he is not just a cop who is a serial killer!?
Are you intolerant, grumpy, cynical, questioning but fiercely loyal and caring to those who deserve it?
Are you non judgemental?
What's important to you?
maybe just maybe we will get along!
Sunday 12 May 2013
Never go back....................
Never go back has always been my advice, so WTF do I think I'm playing at getting back with my husband after 7 years apart?
At first I thought this was what I needed, I enjoyed his company, we have 2 kids, it wasnt all bad.....but reality is a wee bit different - 7 years down the line I have changed -
I couldnt care less that he spoke to his ex more in the last week than he did to me...because I didnt run down to see him every two mins, text constantly or whatever....I dont do jealously and I dont enter into competitions.....
I have a life outwith him, my kids, work and my quiet time are important to me....having to fit him in makes it difficult to maintain this...my physical health these days leaves me ready for my bed at 9pm every night, cant be dealing with the huffs
He is fed up having to come here to see me...why dont I go see him...............my house is falling to pieces and ?I have no money to do it up and no energy to fix up my garden, but its a home, it's lived in and the kids feel settled here...his house is a shell where he sleeps, it is cold, expensive and it makes me feel empty...my daughters room there is like a cell and she hates being there....he wont do her room up because we wont go down, catch 22.....but how do I tell him?
His friends ( apart from the ones I can count on one hand that I like) are wary of me, they dont like me and you know what I dont even care! Last week at an event I had to go to, I was told "how good he was" "he was amazing and the best guy ever"...spent the whole night feeling like I was being warned...OK so it was my decision to leave him 7 years ago, but he wasnt blameless in the whole scenario and fed up being painted the bitch for always!
My kids are the main focus in my life - they come first now and forever...they are his kids too...but he has never given them same priority......I cannot agree to some of the things he wants, I need to consider them and that he wont do that leaves me puzzled......I want my kids to have happy memories of me and of me being there for them, not of being a pain who got in the way of their parents lives.....I want my kids a part of my life for as long as possible to build those memories and happiness........
So what do I do............................................
At first I thought this was what I needed, I enjoyed his company, we have 2 kids, it wasnt all bad.....but reality is a wee bit different - 7 years down the line I have changed -
- I dont suffer fools gladly anymore - have no tolerance for those I dont like and refuse to pretend I do. Many of his acquaintences fit into that category!
- I dont see the need to drink myself into oblivion - every weekend to him involves at least one night where he drinks into a stupor
- My kids at 21 and 16 are my reason for being - his friends and social life are his
- I feel uncomfortable at vulgar displays of wealth - he revels in over indulgence
I couldnt care less that he spoke to his ex more in the last week than he did to me...because I didnt run down to see him every two mins, text constantly or whatever....I dont do jealously and I dont enter into competitions.....
I have a life outwith him, my kids, work and my quiet time are important to me....having to fit him in makes it difficult to maintain this...my physical health these days leaves me ready for my bed at 9pm every night, cant be dealing with the huffs
He is fed up having to come here to see me...why dont I go see him...............my house is falling to pieces and ?I have no money to do it up and no energy to fix up my garden, but its a home, it's lived in and the kids feel settled here...his house is a shell where he sleeps, it is cold, expensive and it makes me feel empty...my daughters room there is like a cell and she hates being there....he wont do her room up because we wont go down, catch 22.....but how do I tell him?
His friends ( apart from the ones I can count on one hand that I like) are wary of me, they dont like me and you know what I dont even care! Last week at an event I had to go to, I was told "how good he was" "he was amazing and the best guy ever"...spent the whole night feeling like I was being warned...OK so it was my decision to leave him 7 years ago, but he wasnt blameless in the whole scenario and fed up being painted the bitch for always!
My kids are the main focus in my life - they come first now and forever...they are his kids too...but he has never given them same priority......I cannot agree to some of the things he wants, I need to consider them and that he wont do that leaves me puzzled......I want my kids to have happy memories of me and of me being there for them, not of being a pain who got in the way of their parents lives.....I want my kids a part of my life for as long as possible to build those memories and happiness........
So what do I do............................................
Well is it a bad start I spent half an hour on Google working out how to do this before I even started writing? Now I dont know what I should write and indeed why I should write, after all will anyone ever read it...and if they do will they even care...?
Aged 47 with a failed marriage and 2 brilliant (and probably as mad as me) kids and I still feel like I'm looking for an aim in life! But you know what it is slowly falling into place...the only problem being is what my aim is isnt really going to please anyone else! Dont know who to talk to about it, so I guess the wilderness of the world wide web will do!
Best start somewhere and where best but right in the middle, after all who knows where the beginning was and even what the end might be!
The last couple of years have hit me smack between the eyes and has kind of scared the shit out of me
Fell victim to an extended period of depression when I finally sussed there was too much out there that was beyond my control....being a control freak aint much good when you can't control what you need to keep you on the level!
Growing number of my friends and peers have been diagnosed and passed away with that fecking CANCER...and I know that I'm no longer invincible...and you know it aint dying that scares me, its leaving my kids behind
Got back with my husband after 7 years apart...and now dont even know if it's what I want...but if I bow out then so many people are going to be so distressed
So starting where then?
Hey you got back with your man, fantastic, so happy for you, it's meant to be, wow........but is it any of these things, first time in my life I have ever went "back" I NEVER go back so why did I do it now?
Aged 47 with a failed marriage and 2 brilliant (and probably as mad as me) kids and I still feel like I'm looking for an aim in life! But you know what it is slowly falling into place...the only problem being is what my aim is isnt really going to please anyone else! Dont know who to talk to about it, so I guess the wilderness of the world wide web will do!
Best start somewhere and where best but right in the middle, after all who knows where the beginning was and even what the end might be!
The last couple of years have hit me smack between the eyes and has kind of scared the shit out of me
Fell victim to an extended period of depression when I finally sussed there was too much out there that was beyond my control....being a control freak aint much good when you can't control what you need to keep you on the level!
Growing number of my friends and peers have been diagnosed and passed away with that fecking CANCER...and I know that I'm no longer invincible...and you know it aint dying that scares me, its leaving my kids behind
Got back with my husband after 7 years apart...and now dont even know if it's what I want...but if I bow out then so many people are going to be so distressed
So starting where then?
Hey you got back with your man, fantastic, so happy for you, it's meant to be, wow........but is it any of these things, first time in my life I have ever went "back" I NEVER go back so why did I do it now?
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